I’m Nonbinary. I Loved Being Pregnant. It’s Complicated.

During my unplanned pregnancy, I reveled in my new body and the pleasures it brought, while hiding from the pain I knew would come when I gave my child away.

Illustrations by Xia Gordon

When you’re broke off your ass, sometimes you have to reclaim joy by whatever means necessary. I chose burlesque. My pasties were made of scraps from an old dress I’d cut up, cardboard, and nail art gems. The routine consisted mostly of holding up and then dropping a series of signs, which would spell out a letter (the last line of which would be written on my stomach), but I could only afford one pack of signs, so my letter had to be 24 lines long, with no room for mistakes.

My monetary situation was kind of why I was doing this routine. I was seven months pregnant with a baby I was planning to place for adoption with a gay couple, and the letter was addressed to my unborn kiddo. My main reasons for choosing adoption were, as with many birth mothers, financial. I was not only broke: I had defaulted on two student loans and three credit cards, and my wages were being garnished. My bank account was getting down to single digits between paychecks, if not overdr…